Open Letter To FoxBusiness’ Cody Willard: Keep Your Hair Short Dude, The UPS ‘Lady Wig’ Guy Era Is Over

Dear Cody: I checked into your Happy Hour show yesterday on FoxBusiness and saw you cut your hair. I’m writing to say: good choice and keep it short. I know you’re a rocker by night and all that, but you were looking eerily like the UPS guy (a side-by-side visual aid provided here), and as Saturday Night Live pointed out, that guy looks like he’s wearing a Lady Wig.

And I’m not just a bitter detractor either. I’m from New Mexico too, I know of the Long Hairitage there. I’m also a finance guy with an interest in media so I’m generally impressed by what you’ve been able to do for yourself.

Which is why I’m trying to help you out. And I’m not even suggesting that you give in to the machine that you simultaneously rail against and profit from so well. I’m just saying that the Lady Wig look doesn’t fully match the ‘hip financial media guy’ image you’ve created for yourself.

My suggestion is to fine-tune the current cut to ensure a return to 2007 when you looked similar to Christian Bale’s Patrick Bateman: hair long enough for anti-establishment credibility, but short enough to remind surface-level suits that you will take them out if they doubt you too much.

And based on your new Twitter avatar, I think you’re with me. So don’t bow to nightlife minions who make you think cool cred is rooted in long hair.

Sincerely,
Another NM kid trying to make his way.